


A Bouquet of Anemones, Purple Hyacinths, Pink Carnations and Yarrows

by EthelPhantom



Category: Code Geass
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-07
Updated: 2019-10-19
Packaged: 2020-08-11 03:55:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 19,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20147221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EthelPhantom/pseuds/EthelPhantom
Summary: Even after years of suffering they're not given a break. Even their punishment and all of their sacrifices weren't able to redeem them.





	1. Anemones

**Author's Note:**

> Oops. 
> 
> I have no excuses.

This could not be happening. 

They had had so little time together — the few years after _ his _“death”, and the few months before it. It wasn’t enough, it wasn’t nearly enough. They finally managed to be happy after everything that happened and then it all was already ripped away from their hands. The world never gave them a break, not even a second for them to be able to breathe again.

They were still so young. They had been children only a few years ago. They were too young for all of this, they were too young to suffer so much. People their age should be allowed to have fun and be foolish and in love. Why were they not? 

The reason was simple; Gods had forsaken them a long time ago. 

Suzaku was waiting for Lelouch in the back alley where people rarely came. There were a few ways out, they had made sure there were as neither of them was supposed to be alive and they needed a way to escape if something happened, but for some reason, Suzaku was glued to where he was right now. 

He stared at the woman who stood in front of him, a dagger in her hand. 

“You killed the emperor. The emperor who was so good for us, he showed us what would happen if you didn’t follow rules. You were his knight, and you just… _ took his life away _”, she hissed from between her teeth, walking closer to Suzaku. When she was close enough, he could see the tears that wetted her cheeks. The dagger she held was pointed at Suzaku, but he couldn’t move. He couldn’t get himself to move. 

“You’re wrong. I am but Zero, I was not his knight.”

“Oh, I know who you are, alright. Suzaku Kururugi. The Knight of Betrayal. That name truly fits you. They say you were his best friend, and yet you dared to kill him!”

“I— You’re wrong— he had to die, he was a tyrant.”

The woman didn’t listen to what he was saying at all. His head was ringing with alarms, screaming at him to get away (the voice sounded like Lelouch), but he couldn’t. The geass Lelouch had cast on him wasn’t working, and Suzaku had no idea why. 

“No, it’s you who is in the wrong, Kururugi. You betrayed him. He was my saviour! He made it possible for me to get away from my family, and because of you, I was never able to even thank him. So, logically, you must pay. Someone needs to make up for what I lost!”

The next few seconds felt eternal. He could see how the dagger moved closer to him in slow-motion. Suzaku finally managed to move his hands, but when he grabbed the woman’s wrist, about to bend it away from him, it was already too late. He felt like someone had punched him in the stomach, but when he looked down, he found the dagger in his stomach. His clothes were stained by blood, the crimson darkening his purple suit. Warmth spread on his body, but it wasn’t comfortable warmth. It was the kind of warmth that drained him, the kind of warmth that left him cold everywhere else. 

Cold sweat crept up on his face and up his back. Before he knew it, Suzaku lost his balance and found himself falling. The last thing he saw and heard before hitting the ground was a scream of his name and a gunshot. 

oOo

  


Lelouch had arrived to their meeting place a few minutes too late. He didn’t think anything of it until he saw a woman in front of Suzaku. Suzaku, who was looking down, Suzaku, whose hand was on his stomach, and when it was lifted again, the black leather glove was covered in crimson blood. 

“Suzaku!” Lelouch couldn’t help but scream his love’s name as he saw red, quite literally. He couldn’t think clearly, and so he pulled a gun from under his jacket and aimed it at the woman who had a dagger coated in crimson blood in her hand. He shot her, again and again, until he had no more bullets left, knowing that he had shot enough people in his life to know the woman would die within minutes, and that she’d already lost her consciousness. Lelouch was aware that the gunshots would attract people, and so he ran to Suzaku and picked him up in his arms. It was a little hard, but he needed to — he couldn’t leave Suzaku here. 

And so, he walked as far away as he could with a bleeding Suzaku in his arms. He got to a small area behind the alleys, a place where he knew people didn’t come because they were too terrified to try, if only for the fact it was dark and so many people had been found dead there.

He lowered Suzaku to the ground, exhausted after so much physical work in one sitting. Suzaku wasn’t too light, after all — but he was definitely worth it. 

“Suzaku, please stay with me”, he pleaded, taking his mask off. Lelouch needed to see Suzaku’s face. If this was the last time he did, he wanted to see him alive for as long as he could. “Please!”

Tears burned in Lelouch’s eyes as he desperately tried to stop the bleeding. He took his jacket off and pressed it on the wound, hoping it would help. It was all he hoped, anyway. 

Suzaku smiled ruefully and lifted his hand to caress Lelouch’s cheek. “It’s alright”, he whispered. Lelouch barely heard the words as he let the tears flow down his face. Suzaku wiped the tears off. His hand was trembling against Lelouch’s face. Lelouch could feel the leather of the glove against his cheek, but he had no time to take it off. It felt almost too cruel, that in their last moments together Suzaku couldn’t even touch his skin directly. That Lelouch couldn’t feel Suzaku’s bare hand against his own skin.

Lelouch took Suzaku’s hand in his own and squeezed it gently. “Please, don’t leave me alone. We were supposed to live together until you died of natural causes, not… not like this.”

“Lelouch, promise me you’ll become Zero. We can’t let what we suffered for go in vain.”

Suzaku started coughing, blood flying out of his mouth. It stained his chin and the front of Lelouch shirt, but he couldn’t find it in himself to pay any mind to it.

“I can’t, it’s— it’s no longer me.”

“Please, do it for me. Do it for Nunnally. Protect her.”

“No, you need to do it. You can’t leave me!”

“Lelouch, listen. I _ trust _ you to do it, and only you. So please, for me. And please, don’t cry. I don't— I don't deserve your tears..”

Lelouch couldn’t help the broken sob that escaped his lips as he held Suzaku. He could feel his heartbeats slowing. Suzaku’s skin got colder as blood no longer flowed through his veins in his hand. Lelouch bit his lip to stop himself from crying more. He needed to stay strong for Suzaku. He was all he had left, and if life decided to take him away as well, the least he could do was to make sure Suzaku was at rest when he died. 

He knew he had wished to die for so long, and now that it was happening, Lelouch could see calm washing over Suzaku. He could also see the tears he refused to shed glistening on his eyelashes, so Lelouch knew Suzaku wasn’t all that happy about dying, but he wasn’t terrified. Lelouch felt like he was selfish to wish Suzaku wouldn’t be able to die, but he didn’t care. He _ needed _Suzaku. 

Lelouch bent over and pressed his lips on Suzaku’s cold ones. The kiss was light, but it was desperate. Lelouch wished Suzaku could understand his feelings and thoughts from it, like he usually could. 

“I will always love you, Lelouch, I— I hope we’ll meet again”, Suzaku whispered against his lips. He put his other hand over Lelouch’s one last time and stroked his knuckles, hoping to convey his feelings through. 

Then he finally breathed his last breath. Lelouch could feel it only barely on his lips. When Suzaku’s hand fell down from Lelouch’s into the pool of blood under them, Lelouch finally let himself cry and scream. He buried his head into the crook of Suzaku’s neck and sobbed, tears wetting the purple suit he had originally created for himself.

The words “I love you too, you’re my life” burned in the back of his throat as he watched the light of life fade away from Suzaku’s eyes. He had missed his chance.

It was the first time Suzaku had told him he loved him. And Lelouch, he had never got to tell Suzaku he loved him back. But it was too late already. He would never be able to say it. 

He knew he should get away from there — not without Suzaku, though — because people would soon be coming there as well. So, he decided, he would carry Suzaku to his flat where he could keep him until he got a chance to bury him somewhere else. Somewhere, where Suzaku had once wished to be buried a long time ago. 

And he needed to embalm Suzaku’s body. He was going to hate doing it, but it wasn’t like he had a choice. Lelouch couldn’t have his body decaying in his flat. People would think it suspicious and take the body away from him. 

Lelouch could allow anything but that to happen.

Lelouch felt something hard under the leather glove Suzaku used, and in the haze he was, it took him a while before he realised it was the ring he had gotten Suzaku years ago. He broke down in tears again, only barely able to keep himself up and standing. He couldn’t break down just yet, he couldn’t let himself fall down to his knees and mourn. 

He wouldn’t have time to mourn almost at all. 

Because if Lelouch knew something, he was going to grant Suzaku’s dying wish. He would become Zero once again, he would wear the mask until the end of time or until he met Suzaku again, and he would protect Nunnally all the while pretending to be the one who killed her brother. 

He was not going to let anyone know what had happened to Suzaku and instead would become him so that his memory could live on. Lelouch would disappear from existence. All because Zero needed to go on and on. 

It didn’t mean he wasn’t going to drown himself in his sorrow tonight nonetheless. From tomorrow on he would be Zero who didn’t care about who died and who lived as long as peace was secured. Tonight he could be Lelouch who lost the love of his life. 

And so Lelouch went and found a jar of salve to embalm Suzaku. It was something he needed to do first. Everything else he could think about afterwards. Now he could say bid farewell to his beloved. 

Numb emptiness had settled itself in Lelouch chest, weighing him down. As he embalmed Suzaku’s hands, he couldn’t stop tears from flowing down his face. He considered taking the ring back, but in the end he decided that Suzaku should keep it. There was no one else who could ever bear it. Not even Lelouch.

His tears dropped onto Suzaku’s body, leaving tear stains on the fabric of the new Zero suit he had put on Suzaku. Suzaku deserved to look the best he could, even if he was dead. The blood stained suit was burning in the hearth. 

He tried to ignore the aching in his chest as he kissed Suzaku’s eyes, his nose and his forehead, choking on his sobs. Lelouch bit his lip as he began to embalm Suzaku’s face, working carefully his way from Suzaku’s chin to his forehead. He groomed his hair and made sure it looked good in its messy way. 

Finally when he was done, he buried his face in Suzaku’s chest and embraced Suzaku’s lifeless body one last time. He put Suzaku’s body in the coldest room he could find. It was already past midnight. Lelouch got himself a bottle of wine and downed it in fifteen minutes, knowing that even if he got drunk now, he wouldn’t be soon anymore. Being an immortal meant he processed alcohol much faster than normal people would. 

Lelouch curled up in a ball and pressed his forehead to his knees. He wanted to cry because the choking feeling in his throat would stop momentarily if he did, but his tears had dried. Lelouch dragged his nails down his legs, mourning. 

It was like he was in a dream — a dream that he couldn’t make sense of at all. He knew Suzaku was dead, but he couldn’t comprehend it. He had lost many people — Shirley, Rolo, Euphie, and in a way, Nunnally, but of all the losses, this one hit him the hardest. Or, it would, he knew. Right now, he was almost sure he was just dreaming, that it all was merely a bad dream and nothing else. Suzaku was just in the palace, they would see each other soon, surely. 

But logically, he knew he was never going to see him again, not unless a miracle happened. Not unless people could be reborn. With that in mind, he broke down again. 

“Suzaku… It’s not fair. You were supposed to live. I wanted you to live. I _ needed _you to live…”, he muttered to himself. Lelouch stood up and walked to his room, his movement unstable. Each of his steps weighed him down. He needed to use the few furniture he had in the flat as support. He knew that if he didn’t, he would fall down and be unable to get up again. 

It was almost funny how much weight there could be in emptiness. He had never felt this empty, never this numb, and yet it was like he was going through every emotion that existed at the same time. 

Lelouch was distantly aware that something like this had always been inevitable, but it didn’t make him feel any better. He knew he loved Suzaku and started wondering how long he had loved him. 

The answer came to him immediately. 

Since the beginning. 

Not since they had met, no, but since the beginning of their friendship he had always loved him. And maybe that was part the reason why he had never dared to imagine how it would be like to lose him. And maybe, maybe that was the reason it was so horrible to lose him now. Maybe that was the reason why losing Suzaku was a million times worse than he thought it could be.

He had loved Suzaku for over ten years and he had never told him that. 

Lelouch regretted it more than any other thing he had ever done.

Lelouch threw himself onto his bed and pulled the blanket into his embrace, trying to imagine he was holding Suzaku. He wished it was Suzaku, because that would mean all of the happened was just a bad dream that he could forget about. 

But it was no bad dream, because the blanket was still a blanket. Suzaku was still in another room, no longer breathing, his heart having stopped hours ago and there was nothing he could do about it. 

Oh how he wished Suzaku was still there. He wished with all of his heart and soul that Suzaku was still there and that he would pull him onto his lap and hug him, that he would wrap his arms around Lelouch one more time. He wished he had gotten that one last time of keeping Suzaku close, one last time with Suzaku next to him. Just that one time, and then he could let go. 

(Lelouch knew that that one time would become two, then three, and then forever. He could never muster the courage needed to let go of him.)

Lelouch hated letting people see he wasn’t as strong as people thought he was, that he wasn’t as strong as he ought to be, but he would have happily let the world see that the horrifying Demon Emperor who showed no mercy to anyone was helplessly weeping if it meant Suzaku could have been there to comfort him. He would do anything to get him back. 

Suzaku couldn’t be dead, yet he was. It was always Lelouch who was supposed to die, it was never Suzaku. It was never Lelouch who was supposed to be able to live in that peaceful world they had created, it was always Suzaku. 

The bright, distant moon shone down on his room, the cold light illuminating it. With Suzaku’s death, the world had become lonely and freezing. While Lelouch had accepted to be embraced by solitude when he had made a contract with C.C. for his geass, he never expected it to be like this. 

The geass was gone, but he had to pay the price anyway. 

Lelouch pressed his chin to his chest, curling around the blanket he hugged with all his strength. Maybe he could forget about the sadness. Maybe he could forget about all the lost moments. Maybe he could forget about the years they could have spent together that were stolen from them so easily. 

But Lelouch was not allowed to forget any of it. 

He could only remember, and suffer. 

If only he could have arrived two minutes earlier, even a minute earlier, and maybe Suzaku would have been saved. If he had tried just a little bit harder, maybe he could have stopped the bleeding and Suzaku would be alive. Lelouch hated himself for letting someone he loved die because of him again. 

And so he let himself fall asleep, the empty place in his heart Suzaku had filled eating him alive. 

A single anemone lay on Suzaku’s chest, Lelouch’s final goodbye, wilting without water. 

_Anemones — Forsaken_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed! I'd love to hear what you thought of this chapter, so please don't be afraid to comment.
> 
> I'll be updating as soon as I can, but considering school starts tomorrow, I can't promise anything about when it happens.
> 
> While waiting for the next part, do check my other Code Geass fics as well, there are thirteen of them.


	2. Purple Hyacinths

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A required trigger warning for suicidal thoughts, a non-graphic kind of a suicide attempt (It's Lelouch, who's surprised, and he's immortal so). Like, it's honestly nothing graphic, it's merely referenced in one sentence at the end, but please be safe and don't read this if it's bad for your mental health or something. You're more important. Thanks.

No one had ever told him that grief felt quite so like fear. 

Because he was _terrified_. 

He was terrified that someone would recognise him, that someone would see through all the masks he wore. That someone would find _ his _ body and take _him_ away. It was the last thing he could handle. He was constantly on the edge, every single thing that reminded him of _ him _ pushing him even closer to the edge. He knew that it wouldn’t take long before he was no longer able to hold onto his denial and he would fall, that he would get pushed over the edge. 

Yes, he was terrified without _him_ by his side.

_ And the only one he could have told about his feelings, the only one he could have talked to, he was the one he had lost. _

Few days had passed since Suzaku died, and Lelouch was getting worse. His entire world had fallen apart while he could only watch and stare blankly. He threw himself at Zero’s work, disgusted with himself. He needed to work so that he could not wallow in his memories every second of the day. 

He had started to wake up in the morning just to go back to bed again in the evening. 

He had went to the palace the day after Suzaku’s death, dead-tired. He knew his way around the palace a little too well considering he had never been there. It was a new one built after the destruction of Pendragon. It didn’t take him long to get to the room where Suzaku lived — used to live —, ignoring everyone who looked at him funnily. He was Zero, he knew how to be Zero, there was no problem with it. He was the one who created Zero. 

The voice altering machine in the suit made sure no one would notice the difference even if he had to speak. He knew he could pass as the old Zero well enough. Besides, he knew Suzaku. He would be able to act as him.

(No, he wouldn’t, but he needed to anyway.)

Suzaku’s room was simple and plain. There was only a bed, a desk, and a closet in the room, no. The bathroom was as generic as possible. The only decorations were the way the walls were painted (the same shade of purple and gold as the suit, the gold painted in the same pattern as the suit had), and the old photograph that was framed and placed on the desk. It was from years and years ago, taken of Suzaku, Lelouch and Nunnally when they were still children. The backside of the photograph told Lelouch that it was Nunnally who had sent it to Suzaku. 

Lelouch swallowed back the tears burning in his throat. He had a job to do. He hadn’t got time to mourn. Suzaku wouldn’t want him to be sad anyway, so maybe if he refused to think about his sorrow, he wouldn’t be sad. He could do what Suzaku wanted him to do. He needed to do it. It was the least he could do for Suzaku. 

If only he was still mortal, he could do this for Suzaku and then die. He would meet Suzaku again in the afterlife. In C’s world. In C’s world, to where his interfering with the gods and the destruction of the gates there had made it impossible to go back unless you died. 

And unless Lelouch made a contract with someone, he would never be able to die. 

(Which he couldn't do because of he did, he'd be betraying Suzaku. Suzaku deserved so much better than him.)

The days went by in a haze. When Lelouch met Nunnally again, his heart jumped to his throat. He wanted to run to his sister and hug her and kiss her forehead, but he could do none of that. Zero wasn’t friends with the Empress, let alone siblings. They weren’t even close, not emotionally. 

Lelouch watched as his sister took care of everything with grace. Nunnally had grown so much in the past few years, she’d become a brilliant young woman. She did her job well, better than Lelouch could have ever done. He was proud of her. She was amazing and so strong. Nunnally managed to go on loss after loss. She didn’t deny the losses and she didn’t refuse to believe she’s lost someone like Lelouch did. She learnt to live with them. 

(That didn’t mean Lelouch didn’t see the darkness concealed behind her gentle eyes and her bright smile. She wasn’t what she let the world see. But, she didn’t seek her revenge, and that already spoke of her limitless strength.)

Honestly, if he lost her again, he had no idea what he would do. He understood now that she had never necessarily needed him — it was that _ he _ had needed _ her _, and right now, that was the direction he was headed to again. 

But, he could not let himself go to her. He was Zero and no longer Lelouch. It was Lelouch who needed her. Zero was merely a mask, a symbol, and symbols didn’t need anyone. 

And then it was Zero’s Day. The anniversary of the Demon Emperor’s death. 

And of course, both Nunnally and Zero were needed there.

How ironic was it that Lelouch was going to celebrate his own death as Zero only mere days after the day of the Demon Emperor’s Knight’s actual death? That the Demon Emperor wasn’t dead after all, yet celebrated it with the masses? 

Lelouch hated it, but he would go there, if only to take care of Nunnally. After all, Zero wasn’t needed for anything specific. He just needed to be there with the Empress, show the people that Zero was still up and standing. That he was still there to protect them from anything that could threaten peace. That he wanted to protect them more than anything.

(He wanted to _ die _ more than anything.)

Nunnally, for her part, had to write a speech about her horrible big brother and his death. Lelouch would have otherwise said that she didn’t care about it, but she had summoned him to her study just to stand there and keep watching the door so that no one would bother her while she was writing. There was no doubt, she wanted to be unbothered because she was weeping while writing, quiet sobs breaking the silence of the room. It was clear to both of them that no one could see their Empress weeping tears of regret and sorrow while writing a speech about how much she hated her brother.

Lelouch stood there, uncomfortable and stiff. He hated being there with her while she was crying because he was too aware of being the reason she was crying. He could not even comfort her. 

(He was good for nothing. He couldn’t even comfort his precious sister, how did he ever think he could save Suzaku?)

At some point Nunnally dried her tears and wheeled to him. 

“Zero, tell me, what do you think of this speech?”, she asked and handed a few papers to him. Lelouch took them without a word, but as their fingers brushed against each other, he flinched and jerked his hand away. 

Nunnally gave him a look but didn’t say anything. Lelouch was somewhat grateful for it, but then again, something about the fact that she stayed quiet bothered him. She was just as calculating as he was, just as quick to judge, and the fact she was still watching him told him she had taken it personal. She wanted to know what was up with him. Lelouch wasn’t going to let her find out. He _ couldn’t _let her find out.

And so he started reading the speech. It was well written, he had to give her that. 

It surprised him how much she had managed to hide in her text. There was a clear undertone of anger hidden in it, but the anger wasn’t something directed at the Demon Emperor. It was directed at their father and the world. “If things had gone differently when we were children, I think this tragedy would have gone differently — we might have been able to avoid it altogether. My brother did not do what was the right thing to do, and his actions cannot be justified no matter how one tries, but knowing what happened to us does explain a little behind his reasoning. He wasn’t evil to begin with, he was misguided and thought what he was doing was right”, that’s what the text said, but Lelouch knew better. 

_ If we had been saved and taken away from the active war zone all those years ago, I doubt the tragedy that we all saw unwind before our very own eyes would have happened, at least not in the same scale. There was a lot of sorrow that we had to see and go through, the sorrows something the world never tried to save any of its children from. We were abandoned by our family, and even though it doesn’t justify my brother’s actions, it does give an insight to where it all might have born from. I do not approve of his methods, what he did was horrible. He suffered from what he had to see, and then he put others through the same and even worse. But he wasn’t a demon, no matter what you try to convince the world of. No matter what you try to make me convince the world of. No matter what you try to convince _ me _ of._

That was more like what it truly said. Lelouch knew his sister. He knew that she wasn’t what she let the outside world see, she wasn’t what people wanted her to be. She was so much more like him than anyone — even Lelouch himself — wanted to believe. Nunnally was stronger than him and survived better, she forced herself to go through, appearing positive to others, but she’d got, in reality, just as horrible ways to cope as he did. She was violent, and there was a reason as to why she had destroyed her room — or someone else’s room — whenever he was gone too long and she was feeling particularly horrible when they were younger and lived in the Ashford Academy.

The speech was so much more than anyone who didn’t personally know Nunnally could hear from it, and in a way, Lelouch hated it. He hated that she was as cunning as he was, as smart as he was, and now, as powerful — if not more — than he had once been. If she was pushed off the edge and she could no longer keep herself together, the world would suffer so much more than it had under his reign. 

(He hated that he hadn’t been able to protect her from this fate of hatred. He hated that there was no one else he could blame. He did this to her. It was his fault. _ Everything _was his fault.)

“Well, what do you think of it?”, she asked when he gave her the papers back. 

“It was very well written, Your Majesty”, he simply answered. He couldn’t say what he genuinely thought of it as Zero shouldn’t know so much, Zero shouldn’t _ understand _ what she was truly implying.

“No, I wasn’t asking that. I know I wrote it well. What kind of feeling does it give you? Do you think others will be able to see my true words behind it?”

Lelouch was taken aback. She knew he knew. But, was it that she knew who he was, or did she think he was Suzaku? Or had she simply decided that whoever Zero was, they wouldn’t tell what she said to the outside world? 

Suzaku had said that she knew it was him, although he had never admitted it. So, maybe it was just that. Maybe she just thought he was Suzaku.

“I don’t understand what you mean, Your Majesty. Could you elaborate?”

“Don’t play dumb, Zero. I know you know perfectly well what it says. Just tell me whether you think other people will notice.”

“...They won’t, not unless you tell them, or they know you well enough.”

“That’s good to hear.”

When they were at the celebrations, Lelouch kept his hand on the sword’s handle. His grip tightened every time someone said something particularly hurtful about him or Suzaku. Nunnally glanced at him every now and then. 

(He wanted to cry and scream because his hatred of himself was killing him. He couldn’t. He was Zero and Zero couldn’t be seen showing any weaknesses.)

Lelouch watched as the video of his death came on. He saw so much red and purple on the screen, and he hated all of it. It made him want to throw up, but he kept his posture and didn’t let anyone see how he felt. He couldn’t let anyone see behind the mask he put on every day — and he didn’t mean the physical one he had on his face. 

By the time the video’s end came, Lelouch was grasping onto his sword like it was his lifeline. If he didn’t have his gloves, he was sure all the world could see just how white his knuckles had turned, and if someone looked closer, his hands were trembling. Lelouch couldn’t help it. 

“Four years ago today we were freed from under the reign of the horrible Demon King, thanks to our saviour Zero!”, the host announced and pointed at Lelouch who was standing beside Nunnally. He flinched as the host kept talking about the cruelties he had committed, wanting to flee the place altogether. Only, he couldn't because he was Zero and he needed to stay there, for both Suzaku and Nunnally. 

Suzaku wasn’t spared either. Of course he wasn’t, this entire event was created to remind the people of how terrible he and Suzaku had been, to tell all the world how much everyone hated them. 

(_ Everyone _there hated the Demon Emperor, including Lelouch himself, but no one could hate Lelouch as much as hated himself.)

It hurt to listen to all of this, but it was even worse when he remembered that Suzaku had had to go through these more than he had. He had had to go through one of them unaware that Lelouch was alive, so if Suzaku had missed him, it would have surely been much worse. And besides, Suzaku had deserved to hear none of them. Lelouch did.

Lelouch knew he needed to do what he did, it was necessary for the world, but it didn’t mean he didn’t regret it. It didn’t mean he didn’t regret having so little time with Suzaku. It was all his fault. If only he’d done more, if only he had stayed mortal, then maybe Suzaku would still be alive, maybe the geass he had cast on Suzaku would have still been active. Maybe it would have saved Suzaku.

Maybe they both could be dead and together in C’s world. 

After Nunnally made her speech, the official celebrations ended. Nunnally told him she wanted to go back to the palace and visit the graveyard, so she and Lelouch left. Logically, he knew why she wanted to go there. He just didn’t want to think about it. 

There was no good reason as to why Nunnally would want to visit the graveyard when the only people whose graves were there and they personally knew where Suzaku and himself — and there was no good reason for her to want to see either of them. She should hate the both of them. Especially Lelouch. He knew she didn’t, but it didn’t stop him from wanting her to hate him. That way, it’d be so much easier to keep pretending he wasn’t there, to keep pretending he was dead. 

And then the realisation hit him. 

Suzaku’s grave was going to be there. 

His rather empty grave, but grave nonetheless. 

Lelouch knew he was not going to be able to keep himself together. There was no way. 

And yet, no matter how horrible, how sorrowful, how regretful he was going to be when he saw the place where Suzaku supposedly rested, he could not let himself fall apart. Not when he was Zero, not when Suzaku had asked him not to cry.

Not in front of Nunnally. Not in front of the one person that mattered.

“You know, I wish my brother was here with me”, Nunnally said all of a sudden. She spoke with a hushed voice, her tone soft and gentle, but her eyes were sharp and unforgiving. They were still walking to the graveyard through the gardens she had created for herself.

Lelouch watched her, listening to each and every single one of her words. He knew Nunnally had a dark side, he knew she had simply hidden it away from the gaze of the world, but she had never explicitly talked to him about it — and Lelouch wanted to understand.

It was the same with him as well, he knew. He’d never told Nunnally about the darkness inside him, but it wasn’t because he was hiding it from her. It was because he could forget about it with Nunnally, so big was his love for her. 

“They say he was horrible, I know that. I know the people he and Suzaku killed deserved better, they deserved to live, _ I know it _ , but _ so did my brother _. If the world that now claims to hate him and says that it was his victim had done a better job at protecting us when we were little, he would have never done it. He was my brother, and I loved him more than anything. And I know you know why he did all of it. I know you helped him do all of it.”

Lelouch was shocked. This was not what he expected. 

“Do you ever mourn him? It’s your fault he died, Suzaku. Do know that I blame you. You could have chosen not to do it. You could have saved him.”

And just like that, Lelouch forgot how to speak. She did indeed know that Suzaku had become Zero. It was just that she wasn’t aware that Zero had once again been replaced. She was suffering because of his plans. His precious little sister for whom he had started all of this was still suffering after four years because of him.

(He had failed to protect someone he loved yet again.) 

“I—”

“What is it, _ Zero _? Arthur got your tongue? You should mourn him, you were his best friend. I know he asked you to do it. All I’m doing is act my part. I will let this world think that he was a demon, and that you and I are their saviours. That I’m the perfect and kind Empress they want me to be. If I had to kill you or anyone else on this planet to get him back, I would do it without blinking an eye.”

Her words were both biting and gentle. They were a confirmation that she didn’t _ hate _Suzaku, but they were also an accusation. She was so full of hatred that she was ready to steal lives — just like he had been when he started his rebellion.

“I am not sir Kururugi. He died in the Battle of Damocles. But, I doubt your brother would have wanted you to pretend, it isn’t—”

“Good for me? Healthy? What I’m supposed to do? I don’t care. It’s up to me what I do, and I hate the world. I don’t like you. I would do anything if it meant I could hug him once more.”

Lelouch snapped his mouth shut. He had no idea what to say.

When they finally got to the graves, Lelouch helped Nunnally to the graves themselves. He needed to carry her, she didn’t want to stay in her wheelchair, but being so close to her was horrible. He wanted to keep her close at all times, but it wasn’t his place to do that. It was never going to be something he could do. 

While she settled herself in front of Lelouch’s grave, Lelouch stared at Suzaku’s. He didn’t care about his own — he wasn’t dead and he wasn’t going to die in a long time — so he didn’t spare even a second glance for it. Lelouch didn’t notice Nunnally watching him. 

“Zero, be helpful for once and bring the flowers I have in the basket to me.”

Lelouch did as she asked, but as he saw what flowers she had brought with her, he jerked his hand away and stepped away. 

“What’s wrong?”, Nunnally asked, her voice completely neutral. She hadn’t brought them with the intention to make him feel horrible, but she also didn’t care about it at all. 

The flowers were dark crimson roses, and purple pansies fading to yellow. 

They were crimson red and purple and yellow.

_ The purple suit of Zero decorated with golden pattern Suzaku was wearing was coated and stained in crimson red blood. _

_ Everything was purple and golden and crimson red. _

Lelouch picked the flowers with trembling hands and brought them to Nunnally. If she noticed how shaken he was as she took them from him and placed them carefully on Lelouch’s grave, she said nothing about it. 

“Did you know that these roses symbolise mourning? And that the pansies mean memories and loving thoughts? They’re the best thing I could think of to bring to his grave. Do you want to have some as well?”

Lelouch shook his head, and with that, Nunnally left him alone. 

He sat on the bench in front of the two graves. Lelouch checked what Nunnally was doing, and when he saw her slumped posture watching his grave, Lelouch let himself mourn for Suzaku. He had been swallowing back tears the entire day, and now he finally allowed the tears to fall. He was shaking lightly, hoping Nunnally wouldn’t see him. 

He could break down once the night came. 

But, as always, he wasn’t lucky — Nunnally noticed. 

“Zero? What’s wrong?”

Lelouch all but _ shot _ up, straightening himself. “No, it’s nothing. I apologise, Your Majesty.”

Nunnally moved herself towards him, using her hands to do so. Lelouch, of course, immediately went to her to help, but instead she pulled him down. Lelouch flinched away as though her touch scorched him. 

“What is it?”

“Nothing.”

“Don’t lie to me.”

A sigh escaped his lips. He knew he was never going to win against Nunnally, so he might as well tell her a vague truth — after all, he could never tell her she was mourning someone that was by her side, and would stay by her side. That he was there by her side and kept lying to her. 

(He knew she hated being lied to and being kept things from the most in the entire world. He was hurting her without any intention to stop. He hated himself for it.)

“I… I lost a dearly loved because of the previous Emperor. His actions cost me so many dear ones, but losing this one person was the worst”, he answered. It was true. It was his fault he lost Euphie, Shirley, Rolo, Milly, Kallen, Rivalz, Nunnally, Suzaku, too. The last of the losses was the worst, though. “I can’t stop grieving them, but I won’t let this happen again while Your Grace is present.”

“You know, grief isn’t a bad thing. It’s simply love that you can’t give anyone. It’s love that burns inside you, just not in a good way — it leaves you broken and empty. Numb, when you aren’t in pain. And it becomes the hollow in your chest. So let it be. It tells you what you miss. It’ll get better one day when you learn to live with it and understand that it’s important to mourn and grieve.”

No matter what she said, she was kind and gentle. She may pretend it for the world, put on a show and act like she was the lead actress, but she was still kind — and Lelouch loved that about her. She said she didn’t like him, and yet there she was, showing him kindness. Even if she was filled with hatred and need for revenge, she was still loving.

She was showing him kindness he didn’t deserve. 

“You know, Suzaku, I do care about you. I don’t like you, but I care about you, and if something is weighing you down too much, you know where to find me. You can talk to me.”

She was showing him kindness he could never even hope to deserve, whether he was Lelouch or Zero. Suzaku deserved the kindness, but Lelouch didn’t, and he knew he was lying to her straight through his teeth — and he hated it. He had lied to Nunnally a lot during their last year together and later when he became the Demon King, but he had never grown out of hating it. 

She was the one person he never wanted to lie to. 

(She was the one person he swore he would never lie to, yet she was also the one he kept wrapping in his lies the most. He was horrible.)

“I am still not sir Kururugi, but thank you, Your Majesty, I’ll— I’ll keep that in mind.”

He loved her so much, yet she was not allowed to express it to her. 

Later that day — or rather, night — when he retreated to Suzaku’s room, he slumped on the bed and stared into nothingness. He could see the last hours of their life together playing on repeat. They started from the happy ones where the two of them went for a walk in the forest in disguises and cooked together afterwards. Then they skipped the days they went without seeing each other and instead showed him the woman who had stabbed Suzaku. 

They showed him Suzaku’s rueful smile. They showed him the blood that just _ didn’t stop coming _ . They showed him Suzaku caressing his face like he was the most precious thing in the world. He could picture every wrinkle around Suzaku’s glassy, dying eyes. _ He couldn’t unsee the way the light flickered out from Suzaku’s eyes _. 

And then the world seemed to fall apart once again. 

Lelouch fell onto his knees and let his head hit the floor, sobbing. 

He wanted to beg for forgiveness, but it was pointless. Suzaku was dead, he wasn’t coming back, and he couldn’t forgive him. He probably would, that idiot, but while Lelouch wanted his forgiveness, he also didn’t want it because he knew he didn’t deserve it. Suzaku’s death was his fault and no one should ever let him forget it, let alone do something as amazing as forgive him, least of all Suzaku or Nunnally. The two of them deserved and always had deserved so much better than him. 

Oh how he wished Suzaku could be there to embrace him. That way he could maybe forget about everything else going on in his life right now. 

He wanted to cry. He wanted to yell and shout. He wanted to break down everything in the room. He wanted to _ scream _. 

But, all he managed to get out was barely even a quiet whisper of “I need you, please come back, I can’t live without you”. 

He had wanted to die for years, Nunnally being his only reason to live. Then he was given the chance to die and shape the world with it, turn it into a kind and gentle world for Nunnally, and he had taken it without hesitation, thinking Nunnally would be happier like that.

(Knowing he wouldn’t need to suffer anymore after that.) 

Anyone who was aware of what Zero Requiem was seemed to think it was some kind of a grand plan to save the world. It was not. It was a suicide. He just wanted to die. Saving the world was a nice bonus, especially since by then, Nunnally hated him. 

Then he didn’t die. He lived, suffering. He had hoped he could finally leave the world behind. He didn’t want to leave Nunnally or Suzaku, but both of them surely hated him and their lives would be better and they would be happier if he was gone. 

But Suzaku found him, and Lelouch remembered what it was like to love again. He remembered what it was like to have a reason to live again. Suzaku didn’t hate him after all — and what was the best about it all, _ he wanted to spend his life with Lelouch _. 

And then it was ripped away from him. 

Lelouch lost his only remaining reason to live. 

Yet, Lelouch himself couldn’t die. Not even if he tried to. 

(If Lelouch was being honest, he had a reason to live, but it was being Zero and protecting Nunnally. It was what _ Suzaku _, the one he loved so much, had asked him. Suzaku, who was his reason to live, was taken away from him, but still he managed to give Lelouch something else to live for. It was amazing how Suzaku managed to do it, make sure he had something else to dedicate his life for when he was gone.)

Hope for a better future with Suzaku was what had kept him going. In Lelouch’s mind, Suzaku had become a synonym for hope. 

If you took Suzaku away, you also took Lelouch’s hope away. 

And when that happened, what was left?

Only desperation and emptiness. Intrusive thoughts. Desperate craving for death that couldn’t be satisfied.

And he was left alone with those in the darkness. In the darkness where not even sunlight would be his company. 

And Lelouch knew his thoughts were going to eat him alive. They were going to destroy him until there was nothing left.

He was choking on the words he never managed to tell Suzaku. He wanted to tell someone that he had loved Suzaku more than one could ever imagine and understand, that he had loved him more than his own life, that he had loved Suzaku so much that he was ready to _ live _for him. But, as he thought about it, there was no one who he could tell. 

Nunnally had offered to be a listening ear, but even to her he could never tell how much he’d loved Suzaku. She thought he _ was _ Suzaku. It would never work. 

And Lelouch hoped he would never forget what Suzaku had done for him and said to him. He hoped he would never forget that Suzaku had given all his heart and soul to him. Forgetting about it would be worse than anything aside from losing Suzaku. 

And Lelouch knew that if he lost his memories of Suzaku, he was going to _ break and shatter _ like glass. And if that happened, he knew the only thing he could do as his life fell apart was to stare blankly. 

Oh how he wished he could end his life and go to Suzaku again. 

But, he couldn’t. The curse called “Code” stopped him from doing it. The wish of “please, protect Nunnally, please, become Zero again, for me” that Suzaku pleaded on his dying moment stopped him from trying to break the Code. 

It wasn’t until that moment that he understood why C.C. had so desperately wanted to die — and she had lived for centuries. Lelouch had only lived for a few years after his supposed death. And the only reason he craved death so much already was Suzaku’s death. 

He could have done better, he could have saved Suzaku if he had tried just a little harder. He could have come just a minute earlier and Suzaku would have survived. He could have—

No, the reason why it hurt so much was that he _ knew _ he had done his best and yet it still wasn’t even nearly good enough. 

If he found himself with a knife in hands on the floor of the bathroom, he didn’t mention it to anyone ever. If there was blood on his clothes and arms and the floor, the ones cleaning everything up didn’t say anything. 

If he had given in to his crave to die in the deep darkness of the night, he didn’t let anyone know and only pleaded for Suzaku to forgive him for being so weak. 

A single purple hyacinth was forgotten in front of the picture of Lelouch, Suzaku and Nunnally, the quiet apology Lelouch couldn't voice out loud.

_ Purple hyacinths — Sorrow, forgiveness, regret _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This... Got kinda out of hand. It was supposed to be around 2,5k words and instead I got to like over 5k words. Oh dear. 
> 
> I honestly don't think Nunnally would be all that nice to Suzaku after Lelouch's death if he kept denying he was Suzaku, so that's what I was going after here. Nunnally isn't, after all, canonically perfectly calm and forgiving and angelic, so well, I'm using it for this now. Her coping mechanisms aren't often healthy, and now that she has just about no one to talk about Lelouch to add everyone hates him while she doesn't, she can hardly get any better.
> 
> Even so, I think she knows Suzaku was suffering as well so she would still offer to be there for him. 
> 
> And now that it isn't Suzaku behind the mask but Lelouch, that behaviour is directed at him. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed the chapter! Let me know if it broke your heart and what else did you think of it. (And had anyone yet noticed what I'm basing some aspects of the chapters on?


	3. Pink Carnations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, heads up for a referenced/mentioned suicide attempt. I wish I could just not say this but there's no way I'm putting any of you at risk if it's a trigger so... 
> 
> Other than that, I hope you'll enjoy reading, and maybe I'll manage to rip your heart apart while you're at it.

Self-hatred wasn’t something small, it wasn’t something you could avoid. 

It was a sea. 

And he was drowning in it. He couldn't get on the surface anymore, he couldn't fill his lungs with sweet oxygen. They were burning.

His head was aching from all the crying and sobbing. It was pounding.

Living was horrible without _him_. 

Lelouch had no idea how he was supposed to go on when he was constantly reminded off his loss, constantly reminded of his failure to keep Suzaku safe. 

After all, Suzaku had died because of him, and the only thing Lelouch was never able to protect him from was Lelouch himself. 

At least Nunnally had stopped calling him Suzaku. In hindsight, it should have made him worried, now that he thought about it, but by now, it was already far too late. 

She had already called him to her study. 

Lelouch spoke up as soon as the door behind him was closed and he had bowed to her. “What is it, Your Majest—”

“I know you are not Suzaku. Where is he, and what did you do to him?”, Nunnally snapped at him, not even letting him finish his sentence. She had figured out that there had been a change. He had failed yet again. 

(Useless, his mind told him, you are useless and worthless. You couldn’t even do this one thing right.)

“Of course I am not sir Kururugi, he died back on—“

“No! Don't lie to me! I know Suzaku is Zero, and you, you are neither Suzaku, nor Zero, yet you dare come to me in Zero's clothing and pretend nothing has happened. Why?”

“I am afraid you are mistaken, Your Majesty.”

“How long have you been trying to fool me? I would say a week and a half, because that’s when you started acting strange.”

“Your Majesty, like I said, I am afraid you’re mistaken. I am not sir Kururugi. He’s dead.”

Nunnally sighed with exasperation and pinched the bridge of her nose. Then she gestured for him to come closer as she started speaking again. 

“Okay, let's put it this way. Whoever you are, you're not the Zero who killed my brother and took his place as my knight. Even if it wasn't Suzaku before, you’re still not the same person that was behind the mask around two weeks ago. And trust me, it was Suzaku. You are not. I know it, your step is different from the earlier Zero's. And don't try to give me that bullshit of me not being able to hear such insignificant changes because I do, and we both know it perfectly well. I hate repeating myself, so I'll ask only once. _ Who are you _?” 

“I am Zero.”

“Yes, you might be able to be him perfectly if we only take into account your speech pattern, movements, style and the way you flinch every time people talk badly about my brother. How your grip tightens on the sword when either Suzaku or big brother is mentioned, especially if people badmouth them. How you hate the colours red and purple so much that you flinch if you didn’t expect to see them and start trembling. How you keep saying you're not Suzaku and that he died back on Damocles and the way you act like you were burdened by some terrible guilt and sorrow — don’t even try to deny it, I can actually _ see _ it, I’m no longer blind. How you seem to be all skittish and timid around me, how you seem to be in extreme discomfort whenever you’re around me, as though you have done something absolutely horrible to me.” Nunnally took a deep breath and swallowed. She looked like she was on the verge of tears. “Which, for your information, you have, because you’ve lied to me. You’re still lying to me. I hate it. I hate _ you _.”

Lelouch choked on those words. He deserved it. It still hurt like hell to hear it, it hurt like someone had plunged a sword through his chest all over again. He knew she hated him, and most of all he knew she had the right to hate him.

“But, what makes me see the difference between you two is that your step pattern is still different, yours is lighter than the previous one's. There's no way that would have just happened overnight without there being a change. Besides, the previous Zero kept going to see my brother's grave every now and then, always ignoring Suzaku’s as though there was nothing to grieve — as though he was still alive. You, instead, you went to see Suzaku's grave, never giving even a second glance to my big brother’s. You couldn’t keep calm when we were there — Suzaku just swallowed his sorrow and guilt and only let himself cry when he was in his room and thought I couldn’t hear. It's illogical. So, where is Suzaku and who are you?”

“...Suzaku… He's dead.”

“You told me that before too, do you expect me to believe it now? Like I said, he— wait, Suzaku? You called him Suzaku and not Kururugi. What happened to him?” Nunnally’s voice cracked and it was suddenly far sadder, so worried and concerned. Her eyes were dwelling with tears that she refused to shed. 

Lelouch sighed and looked away. He hated having to tell this to her, but he needed to. She deserved the truth — and if Lelouch wanted to do this job for Suzaku, he needed Nunnally to trust him enough to keep him around. “He… he was killed — no, murdered in cold blood — and he asked me to take his place when I found him.. He told me— he told me to become Zero—”, _ again, become Zero again, he had said, but that he couldn't tell Nunnally, _“—and come to you, to take care of you and protect you. I couldn’t save him.”

“You knew him? _ He knew you? _ Why wasn’t I aware of this? What happened to him?”

Lelouch thought of his options and came to the conclusion that he would have to come clean about his true identity to her sooner or later, and maybe she would believe his words better now If he showed her now. He was certain she would be furious, though.

“I will explain everything once I tell you who I am, but I must first ask you to not call guards or something here the second you see my face. And that you aren't recording this. I swear I am not going to harm you. I’m asking you this because the world can never know about me.” 

Nunnally remained suspicious (she had the right to) but let her shoulders drop in defeat. “Fine, I won't, as long as you don't threaten my life or the like.” 

Lelouch swallowed his fears and lifted his chin again. No backing down now. He no longer had his geass so he couldn’t make Nunnally forget everything afterwards, but then again, even if he did have it, he wouldn’t be able to use it on her. Not again, both because he wouldn’t let himself and because his geass wouldn’t work for a second time on her. Not unless he had Jeremiah erase the remains of his geass from her.

So he lifted his hand up to his mask and pressed the button that would open it. The wait was painfully long. Taking the mask off was even slower and more difficult than ever before, and Lelouch had to fight against the urge to put the mask back on and never take it off again with every inch of his being. In a way it felt comforting to come back to Nunnally as himself, and Suzaku had assured him she didn’t hate him (she should hate him, she really should, but Lelouch had seen it himself at well. She didn’t), but it was still making him anxious. He had been lying to her for a long time, and if there was something she’d hated for as long as he remembered, it was liars. 

And when the mask finally came off, he looked at Nunnally with an apologetic gaze, and pulled the fabric covering half of his face down. He could easily hear the loud gasp that escaped Nunnally’s lips.

“I'm sorry, Nunnally”, was the first (and only) thing that came from his mouth. He didn’t know what else to say, for the first time in a long time. 

He had lost his love, he had to become something he wasn’t once more, and now he didn’t even have anything which he could use to hide himself. And, he most definitely couldn't lie to Nunnally again. Lelouch was aware he'd caused Nunnally pain when he died, partly because he had lied back then, and now he probably caused her more pain by having not been able to protect Suzaku. Lelouch had failed everyone he loved, but Suzaku and Nunnally had suffered the most because of his mistakes. The least he could do now was to be honest.

“Big— Big brother?I— But you— but you died! You can't be here! I watched you die— You died in my arms!”

Her voice was shaking as she reached her trembling hand towards her brother, as though she wanted to touch him to find out whether he was real or a mere hallucination. Lelouch took her hand in his and smiled. It wasn’t a happy smile though, no, he had to fight to keep it on his face. It was clear because he knew it was faltering. It hurt him to keep smiling, and he knew Nunnally could see it. Besides, the tears that had found their way to the corners of his eyes were now starting to flow down his cheeks. 

“I'm sorry”, he said again. 

“Does Suzaku know you're alive? Oh, what am I saying, of course he does, he asked you to do this, didn’t he? I mean, he _ did _ know, right?” 

“Yes, he… he did.” Lelouch took a deep breath before speaking again, fighting back tears that were blurring his sight. “He's dead now, and— and so he asked me to take his place as Zero, become Zero again for the world couldn't afford to lose Zero. He asked me to become Zero for his sake, for the sake of Zero Requiem, and for the world — and, for you. I couldn't not grant his last request, no matter what He asked me to take care of you, although I have been watching over you for the past four years and would have done in nonetheless. Just, maybe not this way. I didn’t think I would have to become what killed me, what killed Euphie and so many others, not again. But, I suppose he had the same idea as I did four years ago — I asked him to protect you, even though I knew he would have done it even if I had forbidden it.”

Lelouch had no idea how he managed to say that all without breaking.

Nunnally sighed and squeezed his hand. “There’s something else there as well, am I right? It wasn’t just because someone needed to take care of this job.”

Lelouch bit his lip, not sure if he should tell her. 

“I’m not a little child anymore. I don’t need you to protect me from yourself, I can take care of myself”, she reminded him. She was right. She didn’t need him. 

(Because he was useless, unnecessary, always nothing but a burden.)

“It’s… I think he asked me to do it because he knew I needed a reason to live. He was my only reason to live, and then I lost him. I failed him. Su— Suzaku is—” 

Lelouch couldn’t finish what he was saying and instead broke down sobbing, no longer able to keep himself up and standing. He hated appearing so weak, so vulnerable in front of anyone, most of all in front of his sister, to whom he had always tried to appear as strong and capable of protecting her. 

(He was chained to his pain. Lelouch wished someone could break those chains and set him free, but he knew that was never going to happen. No one would want to save him.)

Nunnally wheeled to him and helped herself down using her table as support. She kneeled next to Lelouch and pulled him into her embrace. She was now around his size, having grown up while he stayed at 18 years of age until he could maybe die one day. 

“It’s alright, big brother. I’m here for you. I told you earlier that you could come to talk to me if you needed to, and the offer is still on the table”, she whispered as she hugged him tightly and let him cry. 

(He wasn’t enough — he had never been enough. He’d never been strong enough to protect anyone.)

Lelouch was certain Nunnally was angry at him, but his sister was kind. If she saw him break down and drop onto his knees because he couldn’t keep himself up, she would push her anger aside and instead try to comfort him. It was how she had always been. Even if she hadn’t necessarily shown it to him ever, he knew his sister well enough. 

But that worked the other way around as well. Nunnally knew _ him _ well enough.

Honestly, he should have known she would see right through his act sooner rather than later. She knew him, she knew Suzaku, there was no way she wouldn’t have noticed the change. 

A while later, when Lelouch managed to calm himself down — or possibly when Nunnally’s gentle touch was finally enough to tell him she didn’t straight up _ hate _ him —, Lelouch straightened his back and looked at Nunnally again. His eyes were red and slightly puffy, cheeks wet from all the crying, as was her shoulder and chest, but neither of them could bring themselves to care. Not right now. 

“So, what happened?”, Nunnally asked, holding his hand in hers. She knew that Lelouch needed comfort now, and if any sort of touch was going to help, she would do it without hesitation. She still needed to know what could have made her brother this devastated. “You said he was murdered?”

A lump was stuck in Lelouch’s throat and he couldn’t swallow it down, but he replied anyway. “He was. There was someone— she figured his identity— She stabbed him in front of my eyes and— and—” Breathing was getting harder. “And I couldn’t do a thing. If only I had been there earlier, he would have survived. I shot her. And then I took him away.”

Lelouch could almost swear Nunnally mumbled “Oh so that’s why—” from under her breath before she spoke to him again.

“First of all, shooting her was stupid. If you want this peace of yours keep up, murdering people won’t help you at all”, she scolded him. Lelouch winced and looked away, trying to jerk his hand away, but Nunnally didn’t let go. “Second of all, do you have any idea why she would want to murder him? Did he do something to her?”

“I think— I think she did it because he— he ‘killed’ me. She thought she was avenging me.” 

The mere thought disgusted him. No one should have felt empathy for him, no one should have wanted his ‘killer’ dead. Zero was supposed to bring them relief when he freed everyone from under Lelouch reign of terror.

His breathing was getting heavier. He struggled with filling his lungs with oxygen, but he knew that he wouldn’t faint even from the lack of oxygen. Self-hatred was clouding his lungs and he really couldn’t even breathe anymore. Lelouch’s vision was blurring. He was engulfed in a world of his nightmares again, no matter that his eyes were wide open and he was staring at Nunnally. 

_ “...ther… brother… Big brother…?” _

He remembered the horrified, confused look on Nunnally’s face when she was trying to come to terms with the fact that her horrible big brother had been defeated, that he was indeed lying there bleeding out, that he was dying. He had always felt terrible about that. 

And he could remember the saddened, yet gentle smile on Suzaku’s face as he was dying. As Lelouch was pressing his hands against his wound, desperate to stop the bleeding. Sure, the bleeding had stopped — the problem was that it had stopped because Suzaku’s heart had stopped. 

(He had sworn to take care of Suzaku, hadn’t he? How could have he broken that promise? He was so useless. It should have been Lelouch that died back there. It should have been Suzaku that was allowed another chance at life and happiness — the happiness Lelouch knew he would refuse and reject the second he was offered it, the life Lelouch knew he had to take whether he wanted or not.

“_ Zero _!”

Lelouch snapped out of his nightmare, eyes desperately searching for Nunnally again. He had a tendency to call his loved ones his lifeline, but right now, Nunnally truly was his lifeline. He needed to see her. 

Once he could concentrate and focus his vision on Nunnally, he let out a sigh he didn’t know he had been holding and almost collapsed on the spot. The only reason as to why he didn’t was because Nunnally grabbed him by the shoulders. 

“Big brother, what happened?”, she asked frantically as Lelouch clutched his cape in his hands. Lelouch was trembling but managed to still keep his eyes on Nunnally, thinking that if he didn’t, he’d find himself lost in his nightmares again. 

“I—”

“You don’t have to tell, but I’m worried about you, and you need to talk to someone. 

I want to help you.”

Lelouch swallowed his tears and bit his lip. He wasn’t sure if he could say what he was thinking out loud, but maybe Nunnally was right. Maybe he really should. 

“I just— his death was my worst nightmare after my ‘death’. And then I had to watch that nightmare come alive right before my very own eyes. And— and—” Lelouch breathed deeply and pressed his nails against the palm of his hand, trying to steady himself. “And being able to live with him, being able to be _ happy _ with him, it was my sweetest dream — and then I had to watch that dream blossom and _ die _. I was forced to simply watch it happen and there was nothing I could do about it.”

Nunnally placed her hand on Lelouch’s cheek and stroked his skin right under his eye with her thumb. 

“You’ve been through so much. Won’t you tell me about Suzaku? About how you felt for him? Maybe talking about him to someone would be good so you wouldn’t need to harbour those feelings inside you and bury your sorrow even deeper.”

“I—”, Lelouch started and lifted his hand, about to protest, but Nunnally interrupted him.

“Don’t try, big brother, I know you. You don’t talk about how you’re feeling if you can help it, and that? That will break you. We both do it. It is and has always been a family trait, caused by both our parents and the environment we grew up in.”

Lelouch sighed, giving in to Nunnally. “He was my whole world and— and he was so much more… When I lost him, I lost myself. I— I don’t— I don’t know what to do.” 

It was hard to actually say it out loud, but this was his sister. He could trust her to not use his pain against him. She would never do it, no matter what she though of him now. 

“And he was my truth. When nothing else seemed to be real around me, I could trust him to be true and real to me.”

“That’s quite impressive. You, who best of all know how to lie and avoid the truth, calling someone your truth. He really did mean a lot to you. Of course I knew he did, but this gives it a whole new perspective.” 

Lelouch winced as Nunnally reminded him of how much he had lied to everyone, including Nunnally. He had managed to hurt her a lot by doing that, and he hated it. He hated himself for it more than he would have wanted to admit, even to himself. 

But, as Lelouch had hoped, Nunnally — while she did notice his reaction — didn’t apologise for what she said. She was right, after all, and it wasn’t like she’d said it to hurt him, just to remind him of what he had done and to tell him how meaningful his words sounded to her. She had full rights to say just that.

“He was my hope, hope for a better future. They became equal to me — if one was taken away, if one didn’t exist, neither did the other. Or, more like, if Suzaku existed, so did hope, and if Suzaku was gone, so was my hope.”

Nunnally sighed and held his hand in hers, stroking the back of his hand with her thumb.

“Remember, big brother, you’re allowed to be weak. I am mad at you, and I’m mad at Suzaku, but I hate neither of you. I love you, big brother, and I know he only went through with what you both had agreed your… plan to be. I remember his first year as Zero like it was yesterday, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so down. He was good at hiding it, but I could see misery weighing him down. Then it just… stopped. I believe that was when he found you.”

“I never knew he was so down, but yes, I would think so as well. At that point, since I lost everyone important to me, I had no reason to live but I couldn’t die either — and I tried. Then he found me and— and I had something to look forward to in my future again.”

Nunnally stopped in her tracks and stared at Lelouch. “You tried— you tried to kill yourself? Let me guess, that wasn’t the last time. Please don’t tell me you tried again after Suzaku died.”

Lelouch looked away, his posture slouching. He was ashamed and sure Nunnally would say he was weak for not being able to handle himself. He was worthless and he would definitely be a burden on her if she decided to keep him around anyway. 

Then again, maybe he should have remembered that Nunnally, of all people, would have never thought such thing about him, because the next thing he knew was Nunnally using her hands to get closer to him and hugged him tightly. 

“Oh big brother, I can’t believe I—”, she choked. Lelouch could feel something wet dripping on his shoulder as Nunnally pulled him closer to her, clutching his shirt in her hands. She pressed her face to the crook of his neck. She was trembling, and so, albeit hesitantly, Lelouch hugged her back. He didn’t know if he was allowed to anymore.

“I can’t believe I never saw it getting that bad”, she mumbled and tried to steady her breathing. “I should have noticed. I knew you weren’t well. I saw there was something really off about you that you were hiding back on Damocles, and yet— yet I told you you were a monster and that I hated you. I can’t believe I did that…”

“It’s alright, you were supposed to think that until the end of time… I thought— I thought I’d hurt you less that way”, he replied. “I’m sorry. I never managed to protect you. I failed to keep you safe.”

They stayed like that for a while longer, holding each other. Even if they hadn’t done so in five years, it brought both of them a great deal of comfort (and a great deal of sorrow as they couldn’t forget all those years of pain they had to go through). 

The next few hours were spent in a haze. They ate together for the first time in ages, talked more and caught up with one another’s lives.

But, while it made Lelouch feel momentarily better, as soon as he stepped inside his room again, his slightly improved mood fell. He was alone again. He was alone with his thoughts. Again. 

Lelouch took a photograph of Suzaku he had hidden from under his jacket and looked at it, trying not to cry as to not ruin the photo. He smiled a little as he saw the happy face of Suzaku directed at him, although, seeing Suzaku grin at him (even if only in a photo) made a pang of sadness hit him.

“You know, Suzaku, Nunnally forgave me despite everything I’ve done. She also said she forgives you. I’m sorry, she wasn’t supposed to figure out that there had been a switch, again, but I suppose it was idiotic of me to think we could ever fool her after what we did all those years ago”, he said, biting his lip. 

“And we’re going to give you a proper burial. I told Nunnally that you once said you wanted to be let into the ocean when you died because you thought you could be free. Then she remembered you also loved the sea and the ocean because being in the water made you happy. So… we’re doing that.”

“You know I love you, right? I don’t know how I’m going to survive. I want to die, but I— I might try it again before Nunnally dies, but I’ll try not to. After that, I will try to find a way to come to you again. I’m sorry for being so weak. I’ll make sure they’ll never forget what you’ve done for it. I’ll be the perfect Zero for your sake.”

The world would never forget Suzaku, as he had been Lelouch’s (no, the Demon Emperor’s) knight — it couldn’t forget even if it wanted to. But, Lelouch was not going to let that be what they remembered him of — even if they couldn’t tell his name. 

Because the world would come to forget what Suzaku truly was like. 

Lelouch would not, not in his entire life he knew would stretch out for too long. 

If there was anything he was as sure of, it was this. He was alright with his own name being raked through the mud (or blood) and never taken out, he had done it himself. Suzaku instead, he had wanted the world to become a better place — while he’d been quite naive at that point, he had once said with the uttermost genuity that he had joined the army because he didn’t want more people to die. It was reflected in his actions, how he always aimed to disable his opponents instead of killing them like any other person would have done. Like any other logical person would have done. 

Lelouch kissed the small emerald on his ring that represented Suzaku. Suzaku’s ring had had an amethyst on it. He turned his gaze to the ceiling and closed his eyes, letting his nails drag down his arms, hoping it would bring him some kind of comfort.

He wasn’t going to be alright and he wanted to die, but he was determined to see this job through. He was determined to see the Zero Suzaku had then become turn into something eternal in the eyes of the world. 

A pink carnation crumbled in Lelouch’s hands as he held it in his hands, weeping silent tears. 

  


_ Pink carnations — I’ll never forget you _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it? 
> 
> How did you think of this chapter? I'd be delighted to hear. 
> 
> Also, if anyone needs me, I just about died writing this and I think you can find me dead in some back alley (or the floor of my bedroom) if needed lmao
> 
> (Fun fact. This fic was supposed to be around 10k words. Now I look at it and wonder where the excess over 3k words came from, but oh well.


	4. Yarrows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm finally here with the last chapter. 
> 
> Also TRIGGER WARNING for self harm and implied suicide attempt. As you can probably guess, it's Lelouch so nothing really happens, but yeah. He mostly talks about it and so on, it's nothing explicit, but I want to make sure you're aware of this. You can just skip it, you won't miss much. Starts at "He found himself on the bathroom floor once again", ends when the next ⬷۵⤐ comes by. Stay safe! 
> 
> Also, I changed my plans for where this story was going last minute so... Expect more heartbreak. To quote my friend whom I had read this, "Jesus you really know how to take somebody's heart and rip it to shreds huh". Make of that what you will. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Grief seemed to be never-ending. Always present. ** **  
** **

It didn’t let go of you, it held you in its claws and tried to drag you into the unknown, towards the eternal void of darkness. ** **  
** **

If you asked Lelouch, he would reply it was succeeding.** **  
** **

“Are you sure you can let go of him?”, Nunnally asked, placing her hand on his shoulder and squeezing it.** **  
** **

Those words echoed in Lelouch’s ears, but he was not sure how to answer. They both knew he wouldn’t be able to let go of him, that wasn’t it. It was the fact Lelouch wanted them to bury Suzaku properly, give Suzaku what he’d wanted and let his coffin sink into the sea where he could be free. ** **  
** **

The answer was no, but… ** **  
** **

“He wanted it, and I would do anything for him”, Lelouch replied, trying to ignore how he wanted to just choke and die. How he felt like choking already. “Like I would do anything for you.”** **  
** **

“Then that’s a lot. You started a rebellion and risked your life on a daily basis partly for me.”** **  
** **

Yes, Nunnally understood him. Like she always had. ** **  
** **

(Even when his thoughts made no sense to even Lelouch himself.)** **  
** **

And so they let the coffin float in the water, knowing it would sink at some point soon. There was the crest of Nunnally’s crown, so even if somebody found it, they wouldn’t disrespect her enough to look inside. Suzaku’s final place of rest wouldn’t be disturbed. ** **  
** **

And inside, there was Suzaku and a bouquet of flowers, along with a message and a paper crane. ** **  
** **

Lelouch couldn’t have let go without at least sending a message with him. Even if no one would ever see it, even if no one would ever understand its meaning, Lelouch needed it there. Otherwise, he would have felt like he was letting Suzaku go too easily, without putting up any fight. ** **  
** **

The message simply said, “I wish we knew not of the insanity and tragedy this destroyed love gave us, only of love and happiness, but even then, I love you until the world is no more.”** **  
** **

Lelouch sank down to his knees, unable to support himself any longer. Nunnally didn’t come down with him this time, but she did give her hand for him to hold. It helped to know she was there for him, but it didn’t make life much easier. He leant against Nunnally’s wheelchair and sobbed. ** **  
** **

With her other hand, Nunnally stroked Lelouch’s hair without saying a word. She understood he needed time, and time he had. Too much, if you asked either of them. 

** **

⬷۵⤐

** **

“You do know I’d do anything for you too, right?”** **  
** **

Nunnally dropped the question all of a sudden a few days after Suzaku’s burial. Lelouch was shocked, he’d never guessed that she would say anything remotely like that. ** **  
** **

Was she referencing to the fact he would do anything for Suzaku or for her with her words? Because he had taken over the world for both of them, started a rebellion for Nunnally, endangered himself times and times again to save Suzaku’s life, killed for the both of them, fought the entire world just to give them a world full of happiness. It really could be either of them. Or… possibly both?** **  
** **

“Huh?”

“Big brother, I love you more than anything, and… If it’ll make you happy, I would take on a geass and take your curse on myself. I know you want to die, and while I’m not happy about it, I’d— I would do it for you.”** **  
** **

Nunnally’s words held more weight to them than Lelouch even understood at first. But, the more he thought about them, the worse they were getting. ** **  
** **

But Nunnally wasn’t done talking. “I would accept a geass for you and then kill you if it eased your pain. I would have killed off the entirety of this world if it had meant getting you back when I still thought you were dead without a second thought. I would have died myself if it meant bringing you back to life and making you happy being with Suzaku. So, I would also take the curse of your immortality from you. No hesitation.”** **  
** **

And he knew she understood the weight of her words. It was clear she’d been thinking about this for a long while. It wasn’t a decision made on a whim, it was well thought out. ** **  
** **

That made it worse. ** **  
** **

She was ready to become immortal for him. ** **  
** **

“No. I can’t put you through that.”** **  
** **

Nunnally smiled sadly and put her hand on his shoulder. “Remember that my offer will be on the table until the day I die. You can ask for it any day even if you reject it now.”** **  
** **

Lelouch shook his head but didn’t say anything. Nunnally stayed quiet as well. ** **  
** **

When had they gotten to this point?** **  
** **

And most importantly, why had the gods let two children get here?** **  
** **

⬷۵⤐

** **

He found himself on the bathroom floor once again, both drops and a pool of blood around him. ** **  
** **

Had he done it again? ** **  
** **

The bloodied blade in his hand indicated that he had, indeed. ** **  
** **

Lelouch sat up and pressed his head to his knees, unsure of what to do. At the very least he had to make sure no one would see this. Zero needed to be strong, he needed to be someone that didn’t suffer from losing his boyfriend. Someone who was a symbol — not even a person. No feelings were allowed, no pain was allowed, no grief was allowed. ** **  
** **

Love wasn’t an option, either. ** **  
** **

There were no scars or wounds on his body anymore, which meant that no one could see what he had done from him. But, if anyone happened to come there and see the blood, they would know immediately. He would need to clean it up. ** **  
** **

But as his luck would have it, when he stood up, the door creaked. Lelouch shot towards the source of the sound all the while he put the mask on. This was bad. Whoever this was, they would see the sea of weakness he had sunk into. That he was frail. Not good enough to be Zero. ** **  
** **

(That he’d failed Suzaku.)** **  
** **

Long, sand-brown curls came to his view. It didn’t take him more than half a second to realise it was his dearest little sister. That was even worse. She knew he was weak, yet still accepted him, but he could not let her see just how deep he was in. She didn’t deserve it, but he could no longer keep her away, she was already there.** **  
** **

Lelouch embraced himself for the upcoming conversation.** **  
** **

Nunnally’s eyes widened as she saw what the bathroom looked like. She let out a choked sound and covered her mouth. Lelouch could tell she wasn’t disgusted, though. She was horrified and sad, yes, but she wasn’t disgusted. ** **  
** **

“When were you going to tell me?”, she asked, her voice quiet and broken. Lelouch looked away ashamed, unable to face Nunnally, unable to face his failure.** **  
** **

(He had definitely failed Suzaku. He couldn’t be the perfect Zero and now he’d hurt Nunnally, too.)** **  
** **

She wheeled to him and cradled his face in her hands. His entire body tensed at the touch. Now he could see tears in her eyes that were threatening to spill. He squeezed his eyes shut, hating the fact he’d made her cry. ** **  
** **

“Never. I was never going to tell you — you didn’t deserve to see what I’ve become”, Lelouch replied, his shoulders slumping. He released the tensity in his body with a sigh. He was safe, even if anxious and a little uncomfortable. This was his sister, she wouldn’t hurt him. She wouldn’t let people know what state she had found him in…. right?** **  
** **

“You can’t keep doing this to yourself”, she whispered and pressed their foreheads together. Nunnally was warm and comforting. Maybe he’d get better, one day. ** **  
** **

(He never did.)

** **

⬷۵⤐

** **

Lelouch was lying in his bed, clutching the pillow tight to his chest. He could hear nothing but his quiet sobs and fastened, unstable breathing. He didn’t know what happened, he had only glanced at the withered flower on the table and the picture of Suzaku. He couldn’t understand how he still had any tears left to cry.** **  
** **

It would be so much easier if he could just forget Suzaku, forget the days and years they shared, but no. It was impossible — there was no way to forget someone who gave you so much to remember. ** **  
** **

It was painful living without Suzaku. The grief born from losing him was unbearable. Lelouch missed him more than he could ever begin to explain. He’d failed to save Suzaku, he must have done something wrong. ** **  
** **

No, that was the thing, he’d done _ everything right _ . As far as he was aware, he’d done his best, he couldn’t have done anything better. If he’d done something wrong, he could pinpoint the mistake, he could find the flaw in all of it, but no. There was nothing. ** **  
** **

_ And yet he’d still failed. _ ** **  
** **

He didn’t notice when the door opened without a sound and someone came towards him. He only realised there was someone when someone tucked a loose strand of hair behind his ear. ** **  
** **

Lelouch panicked and shot towards the person, eyes blown wide and unfocused. It was dark in the room and he had trouble seeing what was going on anyway, so he couldn’t recognise who it was. He covered his face with the blanket and fumbled for anything to use as a weapon so that he could defend himself, but the person took his hands in theirs and started talking to him.** **  
** **

“Big brother, calm down. It’s just me, Nunnally. It’s alright.” ** **  
** **

He could recognise the familiar, safe touch and the comforting voice. The person wasn’t lying, she was his dearest little sister. The one that had been there for him ever since Suzaku died and she found out who was behind Zero’s mask now. ** **  
** **

“Please don’t leave me.”** **  
** **

She stroked his arms, letting him know she was right there. “I won’t. Do you want me to come there with you?”** **  
** **

Lelouch couldn’t speak much, so he nodded. He stretched his trembling hands out to her so she could use him as support as well, and so she lifted herself out of her wheelchair and with some assistance, helped herself next to him on the bed. Nunnally pulled Lelouch into her embrace, resting her head on his shoulder. ** **  
** **

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“I… I tried… I did everything I could. I tried to stop his bleeding, I put pressure on the wound… But I— I couldn’t save him.” He had to take a deep breath to stop himself from crying — or at least to not cry right now. “He made me happy and I— I don’t think I will ever feel that again, because whenever I let myself search for happiness again, it all…”

“Comes crashing down?”** **  
** **

He turned his gaze to his sister, shocked she knew what he was about to say. He tried to look for an explanation, but could see nothing. Nunnally noticed this and provided him with one. ** **  
** **

“I know the feeling. It seems neither of us is allowed to just… be happy.” A humourless laugh escaped her lips. “How did the world never see how unstable and fucked up we were? They love to give us names, the demon emperor and the god-sent angel empress, but that’s all they see. They never saw all of the warming kindness in you, and they will never see the burning hatred I’ve got buried deep inside. They refuse to see it.”** **  
** **

Lelouch couldn’t help but chuckle at her words. “I suppose you’re right. They are blind, after all, but the two of us must play our parts. Their blindness allows the world to go on. After all, the one that decided I wasn’t horrible ended up killing Suzaku, ended up disturbing the otherwise so peaceful life of the world.”** **  
** **

The vi Britannia siblings. Broken beyond repair, shattered all the way to the core, pieces of them missing. The only family they knew of were one another, possibly Suzaku, possibly C.C., possibly Jeremiah, but not even one of those knew what it truly was like to be them. Hatred so very deep it never stopped burning, love so very sweet and overwhelming until they could no more, loyal to a fault to those they truly loved. Their ideals and concepts of peace and justice were twisted. To them, destroying a living, breathing human being for someone else was justified, and killing their loved one if it meant keeping them safe or erasing their sins from the pages of the history and replacing them with their own was a price they’d pay. They’d both at the very least tried. ** **  
** **

And so the world had to stay in darkness from what they truly were. Chaos would descend if it knew what its rulers were like. ** **  
** **

A brother that lost his mind and a sister that detested the world she was supposed to protect. ** **  
** **

Yeah. ** **  
** **

What a pair they were. 

** **

⬷۵⤐** **  
** **

“I’m fine.”

Nunnally tapped her nails against her desk, an unimpressed expression on her face. ** **  
** **

With a sigh, she opened her mouth to speak. “You’re lying. I know you’re not fine. You’ve been closing off even more than you did when you were 17, and we both know you weren’t fine back then. You were quite literally fighting our father and siblings, bringing many of their lives to an end.”** **  
** **

His face didn’t even twitch. He simply stared at her for a moment before he spoke again. ** **  
** **

“I’m fine, and that’s final, Your Majesty.”** **  
** **

Lelouch turned on his heel and walked out the door. ** **  
** **

He could have sworn something flew across the room and shattered against the wall back in her study before soft cries echoed in the now otherwise silent room. But that was impossible. He’d just imagined it all, right? ** **  
** **

That was around the time he started hearing whispers around him. ** **  
** **

And that was also when his sanity and grip of reality started slipping from his hands. He started losing himself. ** **  
** **

⬷۵⤐

** **

The whispers around them never stopped. ** **  
** **

_ Zero is truly a hero for killing the demon emperor. _ ** **  
** **

_ The empress is so sweet! She would never hurt anyone, not like her brother did. _ ** **  
** **

_ What about that knight of his? He would have destroyed anything in a heartbeat for his emperor. He betrayed everyone. _ ** **  
** **

_ It’s so clear the emperor loved his knight and the knight his emperor. I can’t understand how they never realised that other people have loved ones, too. Maybe they were just that heartless. _ ** **  
** **

_ I pity the empress so much. To have such a brother… and his best friend, too, I heard the three of them grew up together. _ ** **  
** **

_ I’m so glad the demon emperor is dead. He was a nightmare worse than I could even come up with. _ ** **  
** **

_ Did you know this? They say that if you ask Zero for the name of the person under the mask, he just tells you one he saw on a grave. Always a different one. All of them can be found from the graveyard near the palace. _ ** **  
** **

_ Hey, do you think the empress and Zero are a thing? I’ve seen her go to his room a lot and he spends an awful lot of time in her study. _ ** **  
** **

_ They’d be so cute together! Maybe they’ll marry each other some day! _ ** **  
** **

They never paid them much mind, but the words kept creeping up to them. They never left them alone. Some of them were disgusting, but they didn’t know the two of them were siblings. They didn’t know they were even bound by blood. ** **  
** **

And they could never know, so the two of them never said anything.** **  
** **

Especially Lelouch had to listen to them a lot. The people didn’t seem to realise he could hear them, but he was always listening. He could take it, he could, but that didn’t mean he didn’t feel uncomfortable having to listen to all of that. They were wrong, all of them. ** **  
** **

He was slowly losing himself in the endless maze of grief and hatred. He could no longer cry. It had been three months since Suzaku died. He was just empty. Nunnally was getting worried about him, even more so than usually. ** **  
** **

He’d began referring to himself as Zero no matter the time. It didn’t matter whether he was wearing that mask that tried to choke him to death hiding his face from the world or not. He’d even began correcting Nunnally when he called him Lelouch or big brother, telling her that person no longer existed. ** **  
** **

She’d cried the first time she heard it. ** **  
** **

The second time she just apologised and corrected her words, even if she wore a heartbroken expression on her face. ** **  
** **

The third time never came. She called him Zero, even if her eyes were filled with tears and her voice was broken. He called her Her Majesty. ** **  
** **

He couldn’t even feel bad for it.** **  
** **

It was horrible that he was doing this to Nunnally, but he couldn’t make himself feel bad for it, feel sorry for doing it. Not even if he wanted to.

** **

⬷۵⤐

** **

Everything came crashing down a year later. ** **  
** **

He could no longer keep himself together. Lelouch broke into a million little pieces in his room, sobbing. He fell to his knees and bent over, covering his mouth with his hand. He clutched the front of his shirt with his other hand, trying to ground himself. ** **  
** **

Needless to say, he failed. ** **  
** **

He couldn’t take it anymore. He couldn’t stay alive anymore, he needed to die. ** **  
** **

But there was no way he could. He couldn’t show his face to anyone so that he could give them a geass and have them kill him. It was impossible He would have to live through the decade, the century, the millennia. He would have to watch everything die and then be birthed again, everyone but those he loved. ** **  
** **

Someone knocked on the door. ** **  
** **

“Zero, come out. We have things to take care of.”** **  
** **

He didn’t answer. He couldn’t answer his little sister, not even if he wanted to. ** **  
** **

“Alright, I’m coming in.”** **  
** **

Fear rushed through Lelouch but he had no energy left to move. So, there he was, on his floor, in a state more pathetic than he’d been in months. ** **  
** **

Or, maybe being completely emotionless even to the only one who loved him anymore was more pathetic. ** **  
** **

“Zero, you should have been at my study a while ago. What could be so important that you—” Nunnally caught sight of him on the floor and came in. She closed the door behind her before rushing to Lelouch and helping herself down next to him. ** **  
** **

“Big brother! What’s wrong?”, she asked frantically, trying to search for any signs that could tell her what had happened. She grabbed him by the shoulders and looked him in the eyes. “Tell me, what’s wrong! Please!”** **  
** **

Violet and empty, yet teary eyes stared at her. “I— I can’t take this anymore”, he managed to whisper. He bit his lip until he drew blood, but even that healed in seconds. ** **  
** **

He grabbed his head as though he was going crazy. Maybe he was. The room was spinning, shadows crawled nearer. He couldn’t see the light at all. ** **  
** **

“You can’t take what anymore?”, a voice asked. It illuminated his world a little and so he raised his eyes to it. ** **  
** **

His little sister. His kind, gentle, strong little sister who knew how to take care of the kingdom better than he ever could, his little sister who knew how to hide her hatred and sorrow from everyone else. His darling little sister who knew better than to lash out at the world, no matter how horrible the deed it had done to her was. ** **  
** **

She was so much better than he was out could be. So much better than he’d ever been. ** **  
** **

“I can’t— I can’t live without him anymore. It’s too painful to go on. I wasn’t even supposed to live in the first place. I was— I was—” Lelouch broke down crying again, unable to steady himself anymore. Nunnally pulled him towards her, closing him in her embrace and sang quietly. She sang the song he used to sing to her a long time ago, when they were still at the Ashford Academy, when they were still somewhat happy. When life was still rather innocent and… painless.** **  
** **

_ “ _ _ When I just can't find my way _

_ You are always there for me _

_ When I am out of my way _

_ You are always there for me _ ** **  
** **

_ Like a bird in the sky _

_ You set me free _

_ You give me one heart _

_ Like a star in my night _

_ You'll always be a part of me” _ ** **  
** **

She pressed a kiss on his forehead and smiled, although that smile was definitely not one of someone who was happy. It was a smile of someone who was relieved. Relieved to see their loved one finally admit they were not alright. 

“The offer is still on the table, and I think you really should take it. I will accept a geass and relieve you from this life, if you need it. I will also fulfill your original promise to C.C., if she still wants that”, Nunnally said. Lelouch froze in her arms. ** **  
** **

“I can’t— I couldn’t let you do that.”

“I told you. I would take your curse on myself if it saved you. I would do _ anything _ for you. Anything. You mean everything to me, just like Suzaku meant everything to you, but the difference here is that I would know I helped you. The difference is, I would expect to lose you. It wouldn’t be sudden. I’ve already lost you once, I know I can survive without falling completely.” ** **  
** **

Even so, Lelouch shook his head. “I can’t let you do that. I swore I’d protect you and take care of you, and I swore I’d become the perfect Zero. If I died, I’d fail Suzaku. I can’t do that.”** **  
** **

Nunnally simply nodded but didn’t let go of her brother. She hummed quietly and squeezed him tighter. She wasn’t going to let go, not at least in a while.

** **

⬷۵⤐

** **

“Please.”

“Alright, I will. I will help you.”

“Accept this contract, and you accept its conditions — while living in the world of humans, you will live unlike any other. A different providence, a different time, a different life. The power of the king will condemn you to a life of solitude. Are you prepared for this?”

“Yes. Your geass I do solemnly accept.”

** **

⬷۵⤐

** **

Only in three months she’d used her geass enough to be strong enough to free an immortal of their life. ** **  
** **

They both knew this, and so, two weeks later, they found themselves at Aries Imperial Villa. ** **  
** **

“How do you want to do this?”

“As he died. Even if it is one of the most painful ways, I want to share it with him.”

“Alright.”** **  
** **

Nunnally let out a sigh and sharpened her gaze, focusing it on her dearest big brother. She picked up a dagger and tested it on her finger. It was sharp and drew blood even though she didn’t press the blade against her flesh too much. That was good. He didn’t need to know she was going to make this as painless as she possibly could to him. ** **  
** **

And she was not going to leave his side for a second once it was done. ** **  
** **

She had already called Jeremiah and told him to come in an hour. She trusted him enough to keep his mouth shut about whatever he saw. Nunnally knew she wouldn’t be able to get Lelouch out of Aries Villa alone, and there was no one else she could trust enough with this secret. She wasn’t even sure if she could get back to her wheelchair on her own if she decided to come down from it. After all, Jeremiah was always loyal to her, he swore his loyalty to the vi Britannia family. He’d been by her brother’s side until the end, he was there by her side. He would understand when she told him the truth.** **  
** **

In reality, Nunnally didn't want to do this. What she wanted was to beg her brother to change his mind, to stay with her, but she didn’t. She voiced none of her thoughts. This was the only way to free her brother from his pain and for that purpose alone, she would remain silent and just follow through with it. ** **  
** **

She pulled her brother into her embrace, squeezing him as tight as she could. It would be the last time she could feel his warmth against her. Her chest was tight with pain and tears burned in her eyes, but she held the dagger in her hand and pushed it through her brother’s stomach. ** **  
** **

Lelouch let out a choked sound and his grip on her dress tightened. Warm blood stained her hands but she didn’t let go of him. When she felt like he could no longer hold himself up, she pulled the dagger out of his abdomen and helped him down as gently as she could. Then she followed suit and pushed herself out of her wheelchair next to him. ** **  
** **

Her brother was smiling. He was happy, for the first time in over a year. His hand fumbled to her face and cradled it before it fell down beside him. The unforgiving red that stained his clothes and her hands and dress brought a lump to her throat. Forcing it down was impossible** **  
** **

Nunnally held Lelouch’s hand and forced a smile on her face. She would not let her beloved brother (the only one she loved anymore, the only person she could fully trust nowadays) die with the image of her crying face being the last thing he saw. Even if it was painful and she knew her smile was faltering, she forced it to stay on her lips. ** **  
** **

“I love you, big brother, and I regret nothing. I’m glad I got to see you once more. I promise to protect this world you and Suzaku suffered for. The world will not see another day of war, not as long as I’m alive. I will see to it, I swear”, she said, holding her brother’s hand in hers as tight as she could. She didn’t want to let go, she didn’t want to say goodbye to him, but she had to. He had asked for this and she was not going to let him suffer a day longer, especially not if it was merely for her own need to keep him at her side forever.** **  
** **

“Thank you… Nunnally. I love you more than I will ever be able to explain and I am grateful”, he whispered, his voice broken. It barely carried. She bent over to kiss his cheek, her smile holding up until his eyes closed and she could no longer feel his heartbeat. ** **  
** **

That was when she finally let herself break and cry. Her smile fell away as she bent over his dead body and let herself fall apart, no longer able to support herself. Nunnally clutched Lelouch’s suit in her hands, wetting the fabric with her tears wherever it wasn’t already covered in blood. She wept, she sobbed, emptying her heart from whatever pain and anguish there was.** **  
** **

And finally, finally when she let the grief and agony and _ horror _ of the happened wash over her, she screamed, a gut-wrenching wail echoing in the gardens of Aries Villa. The place where she’d grown up, where she’d lost her sight, her mother and her ability to walk, and now, now the place where she lost her brother, the last remaining person in what she considered her family. Cornelia and Schneizel weren’t family. Lelouch was. ** **  
** **

She wanted to choke, she wanted to die, but she would go on. She didn’t have a choice other than to live, to take care of the world that cost her her brother. The world that cost her her happiness. ** **  
** **

But Nunnally was going to end this cycle of grief, no matter how long it took her. It wasn’t like the only thing she’d never run out of wasn’t time, after all. ** **  
** **

Her time would continue past eternity’s life. ** **  
** **

⬷۵⤐

** **

Nunnally watched blankly as Jeremiah covered her brother’s dead body with a white sheet. She still hadn’t explained anything to him, her only words having been “I want him properly buried this time. In secret.”

She still didn’t know _ how _ to explain it, but maybe Jeremiah would have questions and then she could answer them. Yes, that would be so much easier. ** **  
** **

“So, how did this happen, Your Majesty?”, he finally asked after he’d taken her brother’s body to the vehicle he brought with him. “How long did you know Master Lelouch was alive?”** **  
** **

“...I’ve known for a year and a few months, Jeremiah”, she replied with a monotonous voice. It was like she wasn’t alive either, as though she was a dead man walking.** **  
** **

Maybe she was. ** **  
** **

After all, she didn’t know how she could live after this anymore. She merely existed to watch over the world she detested so, to end the cycle of grief she’d been a victim to more than once. Losing her brother once had been difficult enough. Now she lost him by her own hand. Even if she’d done it to save him, it hurt.** **  
** **

And she’d cursed herself while at it. ** **  
** **

Both to life never-ending and agony deeper than the sea they’d let Suzaku sink in. ** **  
** **

She had been immortal for less than an hour and she already wanted to leave this earth, she already craved to die. ** **  
** **

“And how did his life come to an end now, Your Majesty?”** **  
** **

Nunnally snapped back to reality from her thoughts, from the darkness she knew she was going to lose herself in before the century ended. She turned to look at Jeremiah, her eyes void of emotion, void of life. ** **  
** **

“I killed him, of course. He deserved that much after everything he’d done.”

“But you loved him, didn’t you…?”** **  
** **

Realising how her words may have sounded to Jeremiah, she explained herself. “My love for him is everlasting — nothing could shake it, not anymore. He was in pain and grieved Suzaku’s death, and finally he asked to die. I… I didn’t want him dead I wanted him to stay with me but… He’s done so much for me. I would have done anything for him, I would have done _ everything _ for him, and it was high time I gave him something in return.” ** **  
** **

Jeremiah nodded, understanding. “Sir Kururugi is— nevermind that. And how was he alive? I know he wanted to die all those years ago. Did he become immortal, or—”** **  
** **

It seemed he suddenly understood everything. “You accepted his geass, didn’t you? He had a code, and now you have it, am I right, Your Majesty?” ** **  
** **

It wasn’t a question, even if it was phrased as such. It was a statement made by someone who knew exactly what happened. ** **  
** **

And for that reason, Nunnally simply nodded as she picked up the dagger lying beside her. She cut her palm, blood flowing from it until it closed in front of her eyes. The pain didn’t even reach her, she was too numb. ** **  
** **

“You shouldn’t have, Your Majesty. It’s a curse, that Code. You should have—”

“I know what I did, Jeremiah! I knew what I was in for! But I— I couldn’t let him suffer any longer. He deserved a break, a very long break. I knew that from the second I saw his face again after all those years. And when he finally asked something for _ himself _ instead of someone else, what else could I have done than said yes? Especially when I was the one who offered it to him in the first place?” ** **  
** **

That rendered Jeremiah speechless. Nunnally didn’t care. She let her head fall to her knees and hugged herself tight. She didn’t regret what she did for a second, just like she had told her brother, but it hurt, it hurt so bad. She loved him, they could have spent more time together… and yet she went on with that plan, for her brother and for her brother’s sake alone. ** **  
** **

Plunging that blade to his abdomen had felt like she was piercing her own heart as well. ** **  
** **

How Suzaku had managed to do it before, she didn’t understand. She didn’t even understand how _ she _ had managed to summon the willpower to do it, and she had done it to save him. She hadn’t done it to make all the world hate him. She could still show her face to people. Suzaku — and Lelouch, if she was being honest — didn’t have that luxury. ** **  
** **

“You’ll lose everything, Your Majesty. Everyone you love, your will to live, your happiness, your purpose of life… Everything.” ** **  
** **

She watched as Jeremiah stared at her, trying to look for any signs of her either understanding or regretting her decision. Anything. ** **  
** **

He wouldn’t find anything. ** **  
** **

Jeremiah’s eyes widened and he took a step back when instead of anything he might have expected, she chuckled and tilted her head. With a smile gracing her lips, she finally replied, “Oh Jeremiah, what makes you think I had anything left? Euphie is dead, Suzaku is dead, my brother is dead. My remaining happiness? My brother took it away with him. The second he died, so did my reason to live. I have _ nothing _ to lose.” ** **  
** **

And she wasn’t lying.** **  
** **

She’d lost everything. Even her chance to die.** **  
** **

⬷۵⤐

** **

The burial was a quiet affair. Jeremiah was there, of course. She’d invited Kallen there as well, meaning to ask her to become a temporary Zero. Both of them looked pained, even if neither shed a tear or said anything in fear of hurting the young empress with glassy eyes.** **  
** **

Nunnally herself didn’t blink an eye the entire time they were there. ** **  
** **

She wanted him buried in the ocean as well, if only for the off chance it would end up somewhere near Suzaku’s coffin. There was nothing in Lelouch’s coffin aside from the corpse and a picture of him and Suzaku. The flowers she brought would be left on the empty graves of Suzaku and Lelouch. ** **  
** **

And still, still she wouldn’t cry. Pain was crushing her, but she would hold herself with pride until she was alone with her memories.** **  
** **

Kallen and Jeremiah walked behind her, talking with hushed voices as though they thought she couldn’t hear them. ** **  
** **

“Her eyes are so empty. So… dead. I don’t even want to see that look in her eyes, it’s too painful.”

“She did lose him. For the second time. How has she not been driven insane already?”

“I don’t know. I couldn’t do with losing Naoto twice, no matter what the reasons. She… She’s been through too much. She’s so young and yet… so old.”** **  
** **

But Nunnally didn’t care. ** **  
** **

She would hide her pain and rage from them. She wouldn’t let herself lash out at the world that cost her everything. ** **  
** **

She was immortal, her life extended beyond theirs. She would need to live on her own soon enough anyway. At least she’d regained her ability to walk, not that anyone needed to know.** **  
** **

Yes, Nunnally finally understood why her brother had tried to take his own life so many times. She wanted, too, but wouldn’t. She knew it was no use. She would stay here even after eternity ended, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t in pain. ** **  
** **

That didn’t mean she wasn’t going to close off and lose herself in the endless maze of agony she imprisoned herself in when she killed her brother, the brother she loved more than anything that had ever existed upon their earth.** **  
** **

Nothing could kill someone faster than their own head, after all.** **  
** **

And there, where she’d buried both her brother and her childhood friend, a sole yarrow floated on the water. 

  


_ Yarrows — Everlasting love _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo… Lelouch is dead too? Poor Nunnally. I made myself sad writing this, that says a lot. 
> 
> I'd absolutely love to hear your thoughts on this so _please_ do that. If you just want to scream at me for writing such an angsty thing, that's fine too. __
> 
> _ _You can also come yell at me on [tumblr](https://ethelphantom.tumblr.com/) or [instagram](https://www.instagram.com/daicrimeth/), if that's more comfortable to you <3_ _


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